How to Win Back
Your Ex-Boyfriend in
German relationship coach Emanuel Albert, known as Date Doctor Emanuel, goes through his 7 steps to win back an ex and brings them to life with the successful case of “Tess and Stephen”.
Tess* wished she could hate her ex boyfriend Stephen* but instead she found that she still loved him so much, she just could not get over the breakup. With every day that passed, she felt him slip away more and more and she was anxious for a “quick fix”.
So she wasn’t too thrilled when, during our first coaching session, I told her upfront that recovering her relationship and winning back her ex would take time. Building and maintaining a relationship is always a process. Tess had wanted to believe all those “relationship gurus” that claim, you can get an ex back by following one simple trick. If all it took was one small trick, no relationship would falter.
Instead, I helped Tess work through seven steps that resulted in much more than a quick, fragile solution. Now they lead an even stronger relationship than before their first breakup.
When I first started coaching Tess, she was still very torn up about her ex-boyfriend Stephen leaving her. The reasons for the breakup didn’t make any sense to her and she found herself going round and round in circles thinking about what he might not have told her.
Heartbreak following a breakup is the most natural thing in the world. Of course Tess missed him, their last year together had been a whirlwind romance and she wanted that feeling back – she wanted him back.
While respecting her feelings and the time it would need to heal, I still pushed her to work through her heartache. As long as your thoughts and actions are being controlled by your broken heart, you cannot be an equal to your ex partner. This is a central principle of my approach to coaching people to win back their ex, which I elaborate on in my German ebook (English version coming soon!). As long as your position and status is below your ex you may even risk his attitude towards you turning completely sour, forcing you to sever any connection.
In the case of my client Tess, her ex was a genuinely nice guy and he felt bad for her. In many ways this made it more difficult for her to let go. But pity is not a good look. I encouraged her to spend more time with her friends, delete all the couple photos on her phone and desktop background and to look after her own mental health. She still missed him but was now ready for the next step.
Like many of our clients, Tess was convinced she knew exactly why her relationship with her ex had ended. Stephen was a bit of a neat-freak and she was on the cute side of chaotic. After a weekend trip away together they ended up having a huge fight about her clothes strewn around their hotel room. Her conclusion: he disliked her being messy and their constant fighting about that had escalated. If only she could prove to him that she could be tidier, he would come back to her.
So many people, men and women alike, do not really understand why their relationships end. This insight is crucial, however, to not making the same mistakes twice. Beyond that, you need to understand the real reasons for the breakup in order to heal and not end up resenting each other. Over the years I have helped hundreds of people gain a new understanding for why their ex broke up with them. This can be a painful part of coaching, as it demands you take a hard look at yourself in the mirror. I am here to guide you and believe that this is the only way to growing as an individual and recovering your ex-relationship. So, take the time to dig a little deeper, the help of an expert is invaluable at this point.
This sounds superficial and yes… maybe a trip to the hairdressers or a home spa-session is a good idea, even if it merely serves to make you feel better. However, usually in order for your ex to become attracted to you again, it takes more than a make-over. We want to add attraction, but this always goes hand-in-hand with resolving the real reasons for the breakup that we discovered during step 2!
In the example of Tess and Stephen, he had always been attracted to her high level of independence. He was very invested in his career and he liked to brag to his colleagues about all the fun adventures Tess would go on with her friends, whilst he was tied to his office at weekends. Tess had never realized how much this made her the ideal woman for Stephen and instead started planning fewer trips with her friend group, so that she could spend the evenings with Stephen. Soon she turned from extreme sports enthusiast to 1950s housewife – and Stephen was not into it. The real reason was not that she was too messy, but rather that he was not attracted to this new, clingy, tame version of Tess!
As part of the ex-back strategy Tess focused on spending more time on discovering her old passions and even added some new hobbies into the mix. After only a few weeks Stephen was always the first to like and comment on all her Instagram posts showing her rock-climbing, trying out Kendo or out on a girls’ night.
In order to pass through the very first step, Tess and I had decided to implement the no contact rule for a whole month following the breakup. In order to win someone back, no contact is often the first building block to creating something bigger and better.
After the first addiction to the ex has passed, I often find that coachees are afraid to follow through with “actions”. No contact is valuable but you can’t stay here forever. This is when planning actions becomes important; how can you contact him, why is it necessary to write him or meet up? In the case of Tess and Stephen, based on their past relationship and their personality types, we chose to call him instead of texting.
It is important to not get impatient too early on. Make sure to go back into no contact, if your ex becomes less responsive again.
Do not go into conversations blind. Once you have reached the fifth step you are feeling more stable and happy and should bring this attitude to your interactions with your ex. It is so tempting to slip up now and confess that you still love him and miss him. But you risk wasting all of your work and effort, if you show your weak side now.
After talking to Stephen on the phone, I prepared Tess for a meeting. In many ex back cases it is a scary to take this step where you have to react spontaneously and can’t plan every single detail. You can take your time thinking about your response to a text message, you do not have this luxury face-to-face. Often I will outline a few “off-limits topics” and help my coachee avoid these in conversation. A short role-playing session with Tess, helped her practice not to talk about how hard the last weeks had been, instead focusing on all the new experiences she had gained.
Not every meeting goes smoothly. I have helped many people recover from a meeting that was supposed to offer a friendly chat over a cup of coffee and ended in tears and smudged mascara. Do not be discouraged if you find yourself falling backwards in your seven steps. Although the basic principles of winning back your ex stand, your individual case will always slightly alter the best course of action. My team and I are here to help you back on track, when you become uncertain or are lost.
Your ex is interested in you again and suggests spending time together. Perhaps you have started flirting with each other again and there is definitely that chemistry. Now is not the time to simply run with it. Through all your work you have become a more attractive, self-reliant person and thus reignited his interest. Your ex may go through waves of contacting you, only reacting or blanking you out completely. It is now your task (and my job to help you) to not get drowned in the wave of emotions that hit you once he gets back to responding to you.
Tess started bailing on her plans with friends, whenever Stephen asked to hang out. She was so desperate to spend time with him that she was dangerously close to turning back into the submissive home body that he had grown bored with when he broke up with her.
When your ex is finally approaching you again, of course I want you to be open to it. But – still go out with your girlfriends, go to the gym without your ex and don’t be available at all times!
The final step is all about stabilizing your new relationship. You do not want to fall back into old patterns. Unfortunately it is all to common that I see couples repeating their old mistakes, and I don’t want you to become one of those cautionary tales. Tess, for example, went on a two week hiking holiday with her two best friends after Stephen and her had been dating again for a few months, thus stabilizing his loving view of her as an active and outgoing woman.
It is truly rewarding to accompany my coachees through this final step of winning back their ex. Today, Tess and Stephen have been together for over three years – remember they initially broke up after one year!
The seven steps of getting back together with an ex boyfriend illustrate the path one needs to go down, when the goal is a happy and healthy relationship. The love you seek is worth investing time and effort. Do not trust anyone who tries to sell you quick solutions without actually understanding why the relationship ended and what role you played in the decline of your happiness as a couple. Consciously working through the explained seven steps will not only help you get your ex back but make you a more self-aware partner who is better able to solve future issues before they become full-blown problems. Through this work invested, you can turn a truly awful experience into an even better relationship.
Best of luck,
your Date Doctor Emanuel
* original names have been changed
Perilloux, C., & Buss, D. M. (2008). Breaking up Romantic Relationships: Costs Experienced and Coping Strategies Deployed. Evolutionary Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470490800600119
I have been working as a dating and relationship coach for more than 20 years. Every day my team and I help clients reach more happiness in their relationships. Our vision is to turn relationship problems back into love! To achieve this goal I developed the successful Emanuel Albert Method.