5 Reasons to Let Go of Someone You Love

let go of someone you love

German relationship coach Emanuel Albert, known as Date Doctor Emanuel, delves into why letting go of someone you love has the potential to keep true love in your life forever.

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours. And if it doesn’t, it never was.”

This universal truth and quote from an unknown source guides my attitude to love and relationships. In the majority of my ex back coaching sessions, sooner or later my coachee and I will hit a roadblock. Usually this occurs after first small successes and my coachee’s own positive development. My coachee will say something along the lines of:

“I feel like if I let go now, I will have truly lost her/him forever.”

This means crunch time! The following 5 reasons will hopefully drive home, how important it really is to let go of an ex partner. 

Fear of letting go is holding you back

I understand that you are probably scared to lose this person, if you decide to no longer hold on to them. Letting go comes in all shapes and sizes. It may mean not writing that 42nd WhatsApp message. You may have to accept a short meeting, instead of insisting your ex give up all his free time.

It is my firm believe that happy and healthy relationships can only thrive if you alloow them plenty of air to breathe! I have seen so many ex partners, who fit together extremely well, not find their way back together because one person did not understand how to temporarily let go. There is a real power in letting go of a partner, even if you still love her. I want you to truly understand the necessity of letting go, as I have seen so many beautiful relationships grow out of this sense of freedom and autonomy.

The Emanuel Albert method of coaching is centered around building better relationships and leading happier relationships with an ex partner. We understand that by momentarily letting go, we allow a new and improved version of the relationship to develop. Read on for my five reasons why you should let go of of someone, even if you love them. 

1. Let go, your relationship is a meadow not a factory!

Today, relationships are entered freely and by one’s own choice. Now, more than ever, our romantic relationships are no longer determined by religion or chosen for us by our families. In order to truly value the freedom we have gained, we have to respect the unpredictable and changeable nature of relationships.

Imagine your relationship growing and blossoming on an open field. Continue allowing this sense of freedom. Resist the urge to build up pressure and regulations, now that the relationship has ended. Instead, choose to maintain the fruitful and respectful attitude you and your partner shared, when you were still together.

Our modern view on love comes with the beautiful price of knowing that when someone chooses to be with us, they are doing so out of their own free will – not because they have to. So your first reason for letting go of someone you love, is that you are allowing them to explore their unique reasons for being with you, without enforcing artificial rules and regulations. 

Often our struggle to accept a breakup and let go of someone for now, results in feelings of anger. Feelings of pride, selfishness and narcissism may be hindering you to forgive your ex-partner and move on – move forward. These feelings are the exact opposite to the carefree, loving spirit that carreid the early days of the relationship. Our own personality characteristics and blind spots can be difficult to overcome without professional help. If you find yourself in need for help, do not hesitate to reach out. My team of relationship coaches and I are there for you. 

2. Who is more attractive?

Who do you think has the better chance at getting back together with their ex-partner? – Jasmine or Kelly?

Jealous Jasmine

Jasmine insists on always knowing where her boyfriend is. When she and Tony start dating, she insists on installing a tracking App on both their phones. Now Tony says that he is doubting their relationship. Her lack of trust is actually causing him to want to act out. He asks for a time-out. Jasmine panics but does not manage to let go of him. She starts calling him multiple times a day, wanting to know if he is breaking up with her. Fueled by her fear, she tries to control the situation. Every time Tony finishes work or leaves his weekly basketball practice, Jasmine is waiting for him outside, coincidentally “in the area”. 

Serious Susan

Susan and Michael are going through a rough spot. Susan always wanted to get married and have children, while Michael is nervous about the financial strain it would have on them. Unsure about being able to give Susan what she wants, Michael asks for a time-out. Her hopes and dreams are shattered. After all, he is the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Marriage was not something Susan just wanted for the sake of it, she wanted to marry him. After a dark week of not being able to stop crying, Susan decides to dry her tears and get active.  She contacts me and we have our first coaching session. We work on allowing a more open perspective on her future and explore letting go of the relationship, despite all the love she and Michael have for each other. When Michael seeks her out two months later, she is more content with her life choices and has accepted his decision. Importantly, her new sense of independence and self-worth gives her an even more attractive aura.

Susan and Jasmine both pushed their partners to want a break. While Jasmine spiraled further, proving to Tony that his decision to break up was necessary, Susan accepted her boyfriend Michael’s decision and let him go. After some hard work, this made Susan exude more confidence and become a more attractive partner. 

Letting go of someone you love, means valuing their opinions and feelings. It also helps you combat your own possessiveness, and stop controlling something you cannot control.  

3. How I saved my marriage…

Ironically, if you let go of someone you love, you will secure the relationship in the long run. I myself made this experience years ago, when I was already actively working as the “Date Doctor”. After getting married, my partner briefly broke up with me and I could not believe it – I was completely shocked. We had only been married for a few months, had I misread the entire situation? How could this have happened to me?

Of course, I wanted to be with her, and on top of it all, I was afraid what people would say. Thanks to my experience I knew that my fear and devestation were not helpful.

The decision to not hold on to this state of uncertainty and sadness was the only way forward. I told myself: “If you love her, you will let her go”, trusting that letting go would be irresistable for a partner, who still had feelings for me.

This is reverse psychology. I turn away from you – allowing you to decide that you want be back! Holding on to love does not make use of this psychological effect. After letting go I saw an immediate shift: Our fight, which had led to the breakup, diffused much quicker than if I had been holding my breath, waiting for my wife to return to me. This allowed my partner to remember all the good aspects of our relationship and caused her to seek contact with the wish to stay together.

Important side note: I truly would have been okay with either decision. In past relationships, I would fight for many months, holding on and trying to stay in control. By letting go I discovered the secret inredient to winning back an ex. My marriage was saved within a few days.

4. Embracing change means letting go!

We live in times of constant change and renewal. Why should we not apply this attitude to what is most important to us? Just because we let go of a relationship, a partner, a friend, it does not mean that we stop appreciating the role they played in our life.

Accepting and welcoming change can be scary. What does this mean for our relationship? Instead of focusing on our fears, we overcome them and move one step closer to becoming a braver, bolder version of ourselves.

Let me explain one intriguing psychological approach toward a more charismatic self – exposure therapy. Imagine you are afraid of flying. Exposure therapy helps you overcome your fear by taking baby steps; first you talk about flying, then watch a movie about flying, until you progress from a flight simulator to your first short real flight. This exposure to what we fear most is what helps us conquer our fear in the end.

Like so many people, you may be afraid of being alone. Many settle for less, settle for a relationship that is not working, out of fear of being single.

If you are afraid of change and afraid of being alone – now is the moment to let go of the person, you were holding on to for safety. You may lose this treacherous feeling of safety, but your reward will be becoming a person who is guided by what you desire instead of what you fear. In my experience, you will be rewarded with better, happier relationships with more attractive partners. 

5. Work on yourself = level the playing field

Love can be one-sided or imbalanced. My final reason for letting go of something you love, centers on you, and deciding when enough is enough. 

Whenever you love someone far more than they love you, this will result in you becoming unhappy. Is your love unrequite? Can you detect no interest in wanting to be in a relationship with you? – Then letting go is your only option. 

Decide to let go for moments at a time! Challenge yourself to make these moments last. Building up to an hour of letting go of the ex. The brain chemistry involved in love is complex, and until that day that chemists and neuropsychologists find a way to simply erase unwanted feelings, you will have to put in the work.

As long as you are holding on to an ex, who is not that interested in you, you are preventing the two of you from getting back together. Nobody can continue down a street that is too narrow. So you should strive to clear the path towards a happier future. Accepting a breakup and letting go of your heartbreak is the only way you will lead a relationship that is balanced. I hate to say, you have no other option – but you have no other option.  And if you succeed; boy, are you in for a treat!

The bottom line

If you love something, set it free. What sounds like a pretty nursery rhyme is not as easy to implement in real life. Freedom and balance are two central terms that describe successful relationships for me. Add to this a sense of equal attraction and investment, and you have the most important aspects of letting go while remaining open for a possible reunion.

Letting go will allow you to:

  1. accept and stay in a modern romantic relationship,
  2. use the power of reverse psychology and become a more attractive, desirable partner (You are already so much further than thousands of others, just by having read this post!),
  3. enjoy more stable relationships because they are built on trust instead of control,
  4. overcome your fears, embrace change and grow as a person,
  5. put yourself first and work on yourself.

I have seen many relationships on the brink of extinction, flourish and turn into something beautiful, once both (ex)-partners decided to let the other person go. My team and I also want you to experience this extent of happiness and we are here to help you along your way.

Best of luck,

your Date Doctor Emanuel

References

Earp, B. D., Wudarczyk, O. A., Sandberg, A., & Savulescu, J. (2013). If I Could Just Stop Loving You: Anti-Love Biotechnology and the Ethics of a Chemical Breakup, The American Journal of Bioethics, 13(11), 3-17. https://doi.org/10.1080/15265161.2013.839752

Exline, J. J., Baumeister, R. F., Bushman, B. J., Campbell, W. K., & Finkel, E. J. (2004). Too Proud to Let Go: Narcissistic Entitlement as a Barrier to Forgiveness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(6), 894–912. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.87.6.894

Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049–1073. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034628

Author:

Emanuel Albert

I have been working as a dating and relationship coach for more than 20 years. Every day my team and I help clients reach more happiness in their relationships. Our vision is to turn relationship problems back into love! To achieve this goal I developed the successful Emanuel Albert Method.