How do you make an ex fall in love with you (again)?

German relationship coach Emanuel Albert, known as Date Doctor Emanuel, shares his 5 levels of falling in love and gives you tips how to make your ex fall back in love with you.

People across the world fall in love with each other much in the same way. A large part of falling in love is biology, but of course there are many things we often naturally do to help speed things up. As soon as you are trying to make your ex boyfriend want you back, or are hoping to get a girl to like you again, most people lose all their cool. They start making all kinds of mistakes, greatly minimizing their chances of ever igniting their ex’s feelings ever again. Remember how you and your ex fell in love in the first place! With my tips, tailored to the five levels of falling in love, you can make your ex miss you, chase you and eventually want you back. 

My five levels of falling in love:

Getting a guy or girl to like you again has much in common with falling in love for the first time. Throughout my life, I have watched so many people fall in and out of love and I have developed my 5 levels to falling in love:

  1. Biology
  2. Conversation
  3. Touch
  4. Special Moments
  5. Distance and Freedom

Every level plays a part in making somebody fall in love with you. Make sure you understand the unique role every level plays. When you are winning back an ex after a breakup, you should always keep these in mind. Reminding yourself to not want too much, too soon. My team and I are here for you, should you find yourself struggling or getting stuck in one particular level.

Level 1: Biology – Why your ex fell for you in the first place

Ok, so back to basics and not trying to sound too superficial… For you to fall in love with someone there has to be some initial attraction. Attraction has less to do with looks than you might think. It is a combination of many factors that play together and lead to that “seeing someone across the room and experiencing a first rush”-feeling. At this level two senses are most important; What we see and what we smell!

Attraction – more than meets the eye

For some looks are very important. I remember a female coachee of mine, who claimed that she had extremely strict criteria on how her potential partner should look. When she then showed me pictures of the men she had fallen in love with in the past, I noticed that the men all looked quite different from another. They did have one similarity though; they all had attitude and a certain charisma. They all gave my client the feeling that they were slightly less interested in her than vice versa.

On the whole, there are very few people who are incredibly attractive or unusually unattractive. Humans, like all animals, want to procreate. This is why features that are associated with health, such as a symmetrical face, full lips or smooth skin, are generally viewed as more attractive. So, chances are; a healthy lifestyle will make a man or woman fall in love with you quicker. Your attitude, body language, the sound of your voice, or the color of your clothes (the colour red statistically leads to men rating the attractiveness of a woman higher) offer more possibilities to ensure a positive first impression.
Keep in mind: all these things that make you attractive to others, already worked on your ex in the past. By tweaking some of the elements that make you more attractive, we can further increase how desirable you are to your ex.

“Smell is the sense of memory and desire.”  (Jean-Jacques Rousseau)

While you may be able to change how you look, there is very little you can do about your own personal scent. We all know what, or rather who, we find attractive. But research shows that who we are attracted to is often decided within milliseconds, depending on how they smell! In a particularly sad case, I once coached a woman who was totally smitten with someone she had met through online dating. Upon meeting him in person, unfortunately, she was convinced she would never fall in love with him. I helped her figure out the main culprit: she just did not like how he smelled.

The animal inside us can tell whether or not a stranger would be a good potential mate. This is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, you might as well relax… if someone does not feel an immediate attraction, biology says they will not fall in love later. Of course, it is not that simple. Initial attraction is only one aspect of many.

Tip for winning back your ex: If you are hoping to make your ex fall back in love with you, you already know that he liked what he smelled. So do not get tempted to use gimmicky pheromone perfumes – which are not proven to work anyway, although they might add a useful placebo effect. Try out the perfume you used to wear when you first met instead!

If you want someone to fall in love with you (again), the biological underpinnings of lust will not be enough… This is where we move on to attraction and attachment.

Level 2: Conversation – How you can talk him into chasing you

Many find forming some kind of connection through conversation challenging. If you hardly know your object of desire, the danger is to strike up a conversation that is, to be quite frank, a bit bland. My clients, who are seeking to win back an ex partner, often face a totally different problem: their conversation points are hardly bland, impersonal or boring, but they are very emotional and a bit of a downer. 

Tip for winning back your ex: Let me remind you of a simple truth: People like talking about things they enjoy. If you want your ex to enjoy talking to you and even start chasing you, you need to create positive moments. Offset the sad or hurtful memory of the breakup by talking about fun things; hobbies, vacations, interesting plans, even sex (if you can pull that conversation off without turning red!). In order to maintain a natural flow in the conversation – listen and show interest! Your goal in step 2 should be generating conversations with your ex in which he or she does not have to justify the breakup. Especially men will start chasing their ex girlfriends, once they feel like you offer them a safe space to talk about what really moves and interests them. Really ace this level by not always being available when they want to chat! Leave them wanting more!

Level 3: Touch – How to stop being clingy and still be connected

As a relationship between two people progresses they will move from a slight touch to the shoulder, to a lingering touch of the hand, to a soft stroke of an ear. This can be thrilling and exciting as you are constantly trying to find the balance of pushing on, without overstepping someone’s boundaries.

After a breakup we tend to be especially clingy and needy. You may either become overly touchy (this is quite rare) or your feeling for touch is completely off (this happens in most cases). Both reactions are totally natural and show how large the gap between you and your ex is, which can only be overcome by taking small steps.

When you feel sad, nothing helps more than a hug. The horrible irony is that in the past your ex was one of the people in your life who was most likely to give you said hug. 

Tip for winning back your ex: As long as you are still intensely heartbroken about your ex, I do not recommend seeking out physical touch. Much like the no contact rule, no touch should be your mantra while your ex still finds you annoying or strenuous to deal with. Research has shown that even strangers are able to correctly detect how someone is feeling via touch. Embracing your ex while still hung up on him, will only further drive home that you are literally and metaphorically clinging on to him. Instead, get your feel-good hormone oxytocin elsewhere! Having a parent hold you, getting a professional massage, or even cuddling a friend’s dog can curb that craving for (human) touch. 

Touch demands trust. So only go into physical contact with your ex, when you have gotten a grip on not being clingy anymore. Only then can your ex enjoy your trust, as it isn’t being served with a side of demands and neediness. Personal coaching can help those that have not been able to stop being clingy as well as those that have entirely lost their confidence to seek out any physical contact. Contact us for an individual coaching session should you recognize yourself. 

Level 4: Special moments – How to reignite the fire

When two people meet for the first time and slowly fall in love, one will be the brave one to make the very first compliment. Unfortunately, it is much more difficult to create these special moments and find powerful compliments and show your appreciation when you are hoping to win back an ex’s heart. Nobody’s love life has been much improved by cheesy lines, or an uninspired: “You have pretty eyes.”. But while new love is forgiving, making a man or woman you once dated want you back, requires a bit more skill.

Tip for winning back your ex: As a general rule, start paying your ex less compliments. In some cases I even recommend refraining from them all together. Once your ex already likes talking to you and does not shy away from touch, you can experiment with using what I call “special moment compliments”. For example, after spending time with your ex: “I really never felt like trying out this restaurant, but I am really glad we came here.” or “For the last two weeks I have been attempting to get back into a running plan without success, today really helped me overcome my inertia and get back into working out.”.

By complimenting the time spent together, instead of directly complimenting the ex, you stay on the same level with them and elevate the experience of the time you shared.

Level 5: Distance & Freedom – How to make your ex miss you

When do people fall in love? Biology matters. Conversations, touch and special moments elevate the relationship. But have you ever seriously questioned in which moments someone realizes they have fallen in love? For me it was an epiphany when I finally realized: We fall in love when we don’t see the other person, when we talk about them with our friends, when we think about them in their absence. 

Tip for winning back your ex: By breaking up with you, your ex has gone to the extreme of demanding distance. You need to accept and allow for distance, if you want to have a fighting chance to win back your ex. Only if he misses you, will he realize that he still has feelings for you. Of course you can artificially be unavailable and stick to the no contact rule, but I like placing you in a more active role. Make it your goal to have less time, which you would normally fill by spending time with your ex. Finally get back into a workout routine, start a new hobby, spend more time with your friends – this sounds so easy to say, but is incredibly hard to actually implement. So many of our coachees simply want a quick fix without putting in the work necessary for long-term gain and success. So, start something new today! Even if it is simply watching a new Netflix series or getting lost while looking at new cars online – start small, don’t wait for another day!

Even small moments of jealousy, when you are meeting other people, maybe even casually dating can be a valuable push in getting your ex back. Should you have had plans to meet your ex and he cancels them last-minute, give him the freedom to do so. A text reply along the lines of: “Oh, that actually also suits me better, no worries!”, goes a long way. 

The bottom line

When you want to win back your ex, biology is on your side. You know you were both attracted to each other in the past, so you already have one huge advantage. When working on the different levels of having an ex fall back in love with you, your biggest challenge will be wanting to jump all the levels and just get back to how you were. Of course, this would erase all your pain. Unfortunately, I have worked with too many couples that just end up in the same bad situation all over again, and break up again. A long-lasting happy relationship is worth the work you put in now. Once you succeed you will not look back and regret the effort you put in.   In many ways giving a relationship a second chance is like starting all over again – only that you know for sure that it will be worth it. 

Best of luck, 

your Date Doctor Emanuel

References

Beetz, A., Uvnäs-Moberg, K., Julius, H., & Kotrschal, K. (2012). Psychosocial and psychophysiological effects of human-animal interactions: the possible role of oxytocin. Frontiers in psychology, 3, 234. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2012.00234

Elliot, A. J., & Niesta, D. (2008). Romantic red: Red enhances men’s attraction to women. Journal of personality and social psychology, 95(5), 1150. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18954199

Fink, B., & Neave, N. (2005). The biology of facial beauty. International Journal of Cosmetic Science, 27(6), 317-325. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-2494.2005.00286.x

Fisher, H. (2000). Lust, attraction, attachment: Biology and evolution of the three primary emotion systems for mating, reproduction, and parenting, Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 25(1), 96-104. https://doi.org/10.1080/01614576.2000.11074334Hertenstein, M. J., Holmes, R., McCullough, M., & Keltner, D. (2009). The communication of emotion via touch. Emotion, 9(4), 566–573. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0016108

Author:

Emanuel Albert

I have been working as a dating and relationship coach for more than 20 years. Every day my team and I help clients reach more happiness in their relationships. Our vision is to turn relationship problems back into love! To achieve this goal I developed the successful Emanuel Albert Method.