9 Signs Your Ex Wants You Back
After 5 weeks of my “win your ex back” coaching program coachee Ella* hits a wall:
Ella: “I have been working so hard and I am really trying to stay motivated… but I just have to know – will he come back to me?”
Emanuel Albert Team Coach: “Your impatience and uncertainty is perfectly normal. Let’s run through some of the changes you have seen in your relationship to your ex in the last weeks and pinpoint some of the signs that he does want you back.”
Every relationship is different. And yet, over the years my team and I have helped countless couples reunite. Drawing from real-life cases, we have collected nine of our most reliable signs that an ex is likely to come back. Want to know if your ex girlfriend is still not over you, or if your ex boyfriend wants you back? Read on to learn more about your ex’s feelings. And finally learn what it means if, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get any information on who your ex is currently dating.
Sign #1: Online Stalking
Missing your ex and wondering what he or she is getting up to, has turned you into a social media junkie. Alternatively, you may be forcing yourself to stay offline and you have “unfriended” him across the board.
In a similar vein, the extent to which your ex keeps on checking your status and follows you online, can give you information on how much they are thinking about you. In judging the chances that the ex wants you back, it is generally a good sign, if they look you up on social media.
But watch out – they might still follow you online, if they don’t have feelings anymore. There are cases, in which the ex simply wants to check whether you are still his or her loyal “fan”, whether you are still in love with them. If they are online more often than they used to be this can literally mean anything! The more promising sign is if they are commenting on your posts and interacting with you more than they did in the past. We often see this kind of behavior, when you have started your ex-back program and have made a conscious effort to stop being the fan!
Watch out: The biggest risk for you is that you fall deeper and deeper into an online stalking habit (or even addiction!) yourself. This will prevent you from developing a new, positive outlook and working on your well being. The next time you are in contact with your ex, you want them to be surprised by your relaxed atitude – which you will only exude if you have kicked that online stalking habit to the curb.
Sign #2: Your Ex’s Love Life is a Secret
I know it’s been killing you… so… what does his relationship status say about the chances of you getting back together again? Rebound relationships are prevalent, and if your ex is dating someone new that does not necessarily mean that you are never getting back together again. I have seen multiple ex back cases, where one (or both) had a new relationship before getting back together again.
Instead of investing your energy into whether or not your ex is active on online dating sites and meeting other men and women, focus on what your ex is telling you! Usually, if an ex has feeling for you again, it is untypical for him/her to talk about other love interests. Your ex will want to make it clear that they are available, so even if there is someone on the sidelines, your ex won’t mention it to you. This is especially true, if your ex typically likes to brag about his or her achievements.
Sign #3: Curiosity
It’s always a good sign when your ex is curious about what is going on in your life. Has your ex started contacting you more often? And when he or she does, do they ask you questions, show a real interest in you and respond to your messages quickly? Do they even pick up on your emotions and make an effort to keep the conversation going?
Especially when your ex is just simply a pretty nice guy, or a super polite girl, it can be a real challenge to decipher the meaning behind the texts your ex writes. Superficially looking at text messages will not give you the answers, you are looking for. My team coaches and I can help you uncover the real meaning behind the words. Our knowledge and experience with interpersonal dynamics and communication gained over more than 20 years of coaching, paired with your descriptions of your ex, lead to the ideal balance of stoking the fire of the ex’s curiosity without dousing the flame with too much information!
Sign #4: Are You Single?
General curiosity is good – curiosity about your relationship status is great! Whenever an ex partner tries to find out if (or who) you are dating, they still think of you as someone they hold a certain claim over. This may seem contradictory to you, seeing as they broke up with you! But this is one of these nasty human flaws: Once we feel like we have “owned” a person, this feeling does not simply ebb away after the relationship has ended. It sounds horrible but right now they see you as a safe “backup”.
Your ex may ask you directly, if you have met someone new. More often however, they start listening a bit more carefully to what friends or family members of yours may be saying about you. In any case – Don’t give away everything! Place the information that you are going out and meeting people but don’t talk about dates that went wrong!
Depending on your current situation and whether or not you are following the no contact rule, I recommend being a little cagey. Just because your ex wants to know, whether you have found someone new, does not mean that they necessarily want you back! But they are curious. And curiousity begets investment. So do not quench their thirst for information too early.
Sign #5: Everybody’s Darling
Your friends and family constantly tell you that your ex has been in touch? This is another sign that your ex is thinking about you a lot and considering to try to win you back. Being in touch with your family and friends can indicate that your ex is paving the way back to you.
Has your ex suddenly turned into a social bee? While together, you used to always be the one reminding your ex, now he or she is quick to congratulate mutual friends or relatives on their birthdays. On the one hand, your friends and family members may let something slip about how you are doing (see sign #3), but additionally they also symbolize a connection to you that your ex is trying to rebuild. Your ex is more likely to not be over you, if he or she is investing effort in keeping these connections alive.
Sign #6: You are a Magnet
Your ex is not only making more of an effort with mutual friends, but you are even spending time together as part of the same group of people? How your ex treats you in the presence of others, is another strong predictor of whether or not he/she wants you back. Does he sit next to you, when a group of you go to the movies together? Does she fall back in order to walk next to you, on your way to the park? Try to remember how often your ex seeks you out and tries to catch your attention: the more this happens, the more likely it is that they want you back.
Sign #7: New-found Interest
As a coach, I help people just like you understand why their relationship ended. Often an ugly truth that you will come to learn, is that you no longer were a partner, who demanded your ex’s respect but rather you turned into a groupie, a “fan”. You acted like someone, who felt completely certain about the relationship, while your ex’s feeklings for you were already dying. One sure-fire sign that your ex wants you back, is that he or she has a growing interest in what you have to say. They may be impressed by your attitude or your statements. They recognize the personal growth you have worked on in the time apart. But really dig deep: Are they really impressed, or are they giving you a condescending pat on the back!? There is a difference between seeing you with new-found interest and being the oh so friendly, platonic ex partner, who is throwing you a bone.
Sign #8: Jealousy
It is hard to say, which sign is the best in telling you, whether your ex wants you back. Jealousy is a big one! (The ninth sign is my personal favourite, however!)
Your ex is jealous of other potential partners in your life, and you think this points towards your ex wanting to come back to you. This seems like a no-brainer, but watch out; a self-centered ex can also be jealous even though they are not in love. Jealousy can also be a tool they use to control you, or to state ownership over you. Ex partners have zero issue with using their jealousy to keep you from going on successful dates with potential new partners.
What many don’t know: In my experience an ex that feels jealous but is trying to hide it at the same time, is the one who is the most sincere in their hopes to get back together with you.
Sign #9: Nostalgia and Memories
“Do you remember the time…” – it’s always a good sign when the ex talks about your shared past. This shows that they are remembering the good times and you gave them time and space to miss you again. Pay attention to what kind of memories your ex is recalling. Is your ex mainly remembering the mind-shattering sex you used to have, and now you are trying to decipher whether he truly misses you or is only attempting a booty call? Sex with the ex is more common than you might think. And sure – physical connection can help when words have run dry. But beware that you are not simply helping to scratch an itch! If you have sex with your ex, stick to my strategy and don’t repeat the mistakes I made in the past. Don’t melt away after a steamy night together. This happened to me many years ago, and it reversed all the progress I had made with my ex girlfriend at the time.
Other times, an ex will recall fun times with your friends or talk about the good relationship he or she used to have with your family. This sign by itself may lead you astray. Potentially this can also just point towards your ex valuing your friendship. Therefore, view the different signs as part of a whole and not just independently. Look at the energy behind your ex’s view on the past. You want to be looking out for sadness and statements of regret. Especially if your ex is pairing these statements with talk about how nobody else can measure up to you – you are in the game!
The bottom line
Sometimes reading the signs can be incredibly difficult. Why? – We are either so hurt and insecure that everything passes us by. Or we are so hopeful that we see signs everywhere, losing sight of reality and all hope of winning back your ex. Do the nine signs above remind you of your ex? Our experience and expertise help us judge your situation, so take the time to talk to a professional before you drive yourself crazy over whether or not you are analyzing the situation correctly. Sometimes we only detect a few, select signs but can still confidently say that your ex still wants you back!
Best of luck,
your Date Doctor Emanuel
*All names have been changed
Abeyta, A. A., Routledge, C., & Juhl, J. (2015). Looking back to move forward: Nostalgia as a psychological resource for promoting relationship goals and overcoming relationship challenges. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 109(6), 1029–1044. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000036
Halpern-Meekin, S., Manning, W. D., Giordano, P. C., & Longmore, M. A. (2013). Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: On/off relationships and sex with an ex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 28(2), 166-188. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558412464524
I have been working as a dating and relationship coach for more than 20 years. Every day my team and I help clients reach more happiness in their relationships. Our vision is to turn relationship problems back into love! To achieve this goal I developed the successful Emanuel Albert Method.